


Ace

by colorofmercury



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-24
Updated: 2011-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-27 23:47:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,178
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/301416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colorofmercury/pseuds/colorofmercury
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stuck-in-the-veil AU in which John discovers he's asexual.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this prompt](http://homesmut.livejournal.com/9406.html?thread=15188414#t15188414).
> 
> This was my first multi-chapter fill, and my first fill with dialogue. This is likely a bit out of character, and I know for a fact it was terribly planned so the timeline is off and it's clunky.
> 
> Still, I had a lot of people tell me they liked this so I might as well post it here. I tried to write a sequel but I realized I had absolutely nowhere to go with it so it just turned into a one-chapter epilogue that I'm just going to tack on to the end of this fic.
> 
> Anyway while I don't mind critique, keep in mind that I am already very aware of many of the flaws in this fic. I hope you enjoy it anyway.

For the first time he could remember, John wondered if he wasn't normal.

He watched Dave talking to Terezi in the corner of the room, contemplating what the blonde had said to him maybe half an hour ago.

TG: so when are you going to man up and tap that

He had said it after John had apologized for not responding to him, since Karkat had been over. The question confused him.

EB: haha what?    
TG: come on egbert youre not going to be 16 forever  
TG: its not like anyones gonna think less of you  
TG: were supposed to repopulate and shit right   
EB: … i'm pretty sure it doesn't work that way    
TG: sure it does  
TG: me and tz are gonna have some sweet little halfbreed babies running around the veil pretty soon just you wait

The thought of his best friend having sex with some troll lady—well, with anyone at all, really—had not been a thought John had wanted to entertain. He couldn't help but make a face as he continued to type.

EB: ew  
EB: okay besides the fact that i totally didn't want to know that about you guys  
EB: and also i'm pretty sure it really doesn't work that way    
TG: dont doubt me   
EB: we're only 16! i mean come on  
EB: back on earth we weren't even supposed to do anything until we were legal, right?    
TG: does this look like earth to you  
TG: you didn't answer my question btw  
TG: whens it gonna happen  
TG: i mean is this like something thats happening this month or are you going to wait for your fantastic gay teen marriage   
EB: ughhh   
TG: come on im curious   
EB: maybe i don't even want to! i don't know, geez  
EB: why do you care so much?    
TG: … 

Well that was a pregnant pause. It had been several seconds before Dave had even written the ellipsis, and then another pause after that. John was about to ask if he was there before another response popped up.

TG: you dont want to   
EB: i don't know, maybe  
EB: i don't really think about it   
TG: i thought you two were madly in love or something  
TG: what did you decide you werent a homo after all    
EB: uh  
EB: what  
EB: what… are you even saying   
TG: look idgaf if youre a homo or not  
TG: but after all the headache you put the poor bastard through i thought youd at least stick to it and consumate that shit  
TG: but you dont even think about it wtf

John sighed to himself. Apparently he hadn't explained himself well enough.

EB: look it's not like i don't like him or anything  
EB: i'm, you know  
EB: happy with him and everything   
TG: still baffled by that but go on   
EB: sighhhh  
EB: anyway  
EB: look it just hasn't come up okay?  
EB: i'm just not as crazy interested in sex as you are   
TG: and rose   
EB: …  
EB: yeah and her   
TG: okay whatevs  
TG: well when you finally become a man i expect to be the first to know   
EB: haha okay dave  
EB: whatever you say

The conversation had changed topic from there, but watching Dave talk to Terezi now, John couldn't think of anything but this.

Were kids his age supposed to want sex? Dave and Rose apparently did; and by extention, Terezi and Kanaya. John couldn't, however, use the trolls as any example: for all he knew they could have a completely different kind of puberty. The only reason he was pretty sure they got to it at the same time was because Vriska had mentioned it in passing once, but in all his other conversations with her and the couple of times he'd seen her in dream bubbles in the past few years, she'd never said anything else about it.

For a moment John considered asking Rose: she would probably know, after all. And she was always more than willing to discuss her weird psychology stuff. Especially stuff about Freud. She had a thing for Freud. John wasn't sure why: all the stuff he'd heard about the guy just made him sound really creepy.

This thought made him hesitate to talk to her about this. She would probably make all sorts of weird assumptions about him and generally make him feel uncomfortable.

She was good at that.

Instead John blew out his cheeks, a little frustrated, and stood to leave. The scenery around here wasn't exactly interesting, but he felt better walking than just sitting around staring at people.

As he walked, the heir realized that he really had never thought about being with Karkat that way. Shortly after this, he also realized he'd never thought about being with anyone that way.

He'd never thought of this as abnormal because he'd never given it any thought at all. Now, however, after Dave's apparent disbelief that he could be in a relationship without having thought about… going "all the way," John began to wonder.


	2. Chapter 2

John wandered without really thinking, and found himself at Jade's transportalizer. It was still the makeshift thing that had been put together after the kids' arrival at the veil, but the crudely painted shape of Bec's head made it unmistakable.

So Rose was pretty much out of the question right now. Jade, however, was the perfect amount of giving advice, just listening, taking him seriously and making him laugh, and she wouldn't make fun of him for this. Pulling out his PDA, he sent her a quick message.

EB: hey jade! you home? 

It was a little while before she responded, and John almost gave up, but finally he heard a familiar beep and pulled Pesterchum up again.

GG: if you mean in my MASSIVE room, yes! :D    
EB: ok cool  
EB: can i come in?    
GG: duhhhh, its not locked silly   
EB: oh right, haha  
EB: i forgot you did that   
GG: :p    
EB: okay so i'll see you in a bit?    
GG: if you can find me, hehe   
EB: haha i'll try!    
GG: :)  
GG: see you soon!!

John put his PDA away as he stepped on the transportalizer, appearing a moment later at the entrance to Jade's… well, the term "room" was used loosely. She could be anywhere.

Well, he thought to himself, conjuring up wind to lift himself, this would be a lot faster if he didn't have to walk.

Several minutes later, he slowed down and hovered in midair to check his messages again: Jade had just sent him another one.

GG: oh!! i just felt a gust of wind down a hallway but then it went away….  
GG: i think you just passed me john!  
GG: backupbackupbackup  
GG: BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

With a laugh, John turned and saw a hallway perpindicular to the one he'd been flying down. That had probably been it… moving back toward it, he landed to walk down the hall and saw Jade with her computer around the corner. She waved, apparently in case she hadn't been seen.  
 "Hey!" She bounded up and gave John a hug, which was heartily returned. "You haven't come over in a while, what's up?"

"I just wanted to hang out," John said with a shrug and a smile. He was only half-lying, but apparently his sister picked up on it regardless.

She crossed her arms and pouted. "Yeah, and what's _really_ up?"

"Can't I just want to hang out?" John insisted, still a little hesitant to explain his apparent situation.

"Sure you can," she said, the stern expression not leaving her face. "But you don't right now, you want to talk about something, I can _tell_." She puncuated her remarks with a finger pointing accusingly into his chest. With an overly dramatic sigh and a smile he couldn't pretend to hide, John gave in.

"Fiiiine, fine. You win. But," he insisted, still trying to be playful with her as he started towards one of the beanbag chairs she had just been sitting in,"if this ends up being weird because we didn't just hang out, it's totally your fault."

"Nuh uh," Jade responded just as playfully, crossing her arms. "It's totally your fault for having problems! Jeeeez, I can't believe you sometimes. Way to have problems." She plopped herself down in another beanbag chair, quickly saying, "Oh ow, shit," and leaning forward to pull her hair out from under herself.

"So," the witch started again after having made herself comfortable. She held out an imaginary pad of paper and a pen, adjusted her glasses as snootily as possible, and prompted, "Tell me what seems to be the matter, Mr. Egbert."

John couldn't help but laugh again, which made Jade smile in return. "Well, uh…" he started, rubbing the back of his neck. "Okay this might be kind of a weird thing to talk about, but…" Jade interjected with a quick, "It's okay!" before abandoning her pantomimed note-taking.

"I was talking to Dave, and you know how he is with all the sexual innuendo." The girl nodded at him, resting her chin in her hands as she leaned forward. "So we were talking, and Karkat came up, and he started asking me if we'd… you know, been together, and when I said we hadn't he started acting like it was this big deal."

"That's weird…" Jade said, wrinkling her nose a little.

"I know! I mean I can get him making fun of me for it or whatever, that's just what he does, but I said I hadn't really thought about it… I don't know, he just made it seem like it was the weirdest thing in the world. I kind of feel like I'm missing something," John finished with a bit of a laugh, feeling pretty ridiculous about the entire situation.

"Hmm." She was tapping her fingers against her mouth now, looking at her computer mostly to have something to stare at. "You know… I think I get where he's coming from. Hear me out, okay?" John nodded at her as she shifted to face him. "I think because he grew up in this big huge city, he got all kinds of peer pressure and media pressure and stuff about sex. I mean if you watch movies about big cities—" she paused. "Or… well I mean I guess if you're in a big city, but that wasn't ever a thing for me," Jade giggled hesitantly before continuing. "Anyway there's sex everywhere. I mean there are naked ladies on billboards! It's crazy. You probably know…"

John nodded. "Well… yeah. I mean we didn't go to cities a whole lot but… yeah, you're right. So you're saying since he grew up with that, he figured that's what you're supposed to be into?"

"Not exactly." Jade pulled her computer over, typing as she continued to talk. "I mean if he grew up where I grew up he might have been just as uh… let's say into Terezi as he is now! I think that's just how he works. But…" she was waiting for a page to load now, and clicked on the first result of her search. "I think what I'm saying is he grew up thinking that was normal, and he wasn't expecting anything else."

"Oh…" he was distracted by what she was doing, and couldn't help but try to read over her shoulder. "What are you looking up?" He finally asked.

"Jooooohn, no peeking!" Pulling her computer to the side, Jade stuck her tongue out at him. "You'll see in a second, hold your hoof—" she giggled again. "Sorry I mean horses." Apparently she found what she was looking for, because she nodded, pleased with herself.

"You know how you said you hadn't thought about it?" She asked, still hiding her screen from him as she looked up.

"Uh… about… being with Karkat? Yeah." This was quickly becoming the part of the conversation John hadn't wanted to deal with.

"So… have you ever been… you know, attracted to someone?" She tried to keep her questions open-ended, to let him fill in his own blanks, the way she saw Rose doing.

"Well, not like that, no," he admitted, furrowing his eyebrows slightly. "I mean, I've been attracted to people, like I think they look nice, or they act nice, or whatever, but I've never… wanted… that." He was suddenly glad he was not having this conversation with Rose. So. Very. Glad.

With a pleased nod Jade turned her computer around. "I think you might want to read this."

Taking her computer, John gave the screen's contents a scrutinizing look. "Uh, Jade."

"Yeah?"

"I think you're on the wrong page."

She leaned forward. "Nope, that's the right one alright."

"… Godzilla is asexual."

Jade groaned. "No you doofus, it's a different kind of asexual. Just read the article."

John gave her a skeptical look, but turned to read.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay uhhh... the formatting worked fine the first two chapters and it refuses to work this time?? So... bear with me for a while.
> 
> Sob sob this really isn't working. I have no idea why, this worked for ALL THE OTHER CHAPTERS. You're just going to have to deal with it for a while, unfortunately.

John was silent for a long while, and when he finally spoke, all he said was a soft, "Oh."

Many definitions of asexuality didn't match him. Obviously the first one he had thought of, the kind certain cinematic monsters are, the scientific one, was one that didn't apply. And then even under the umbrella of the orientation, there were so many kinds of people.

The boy read for quite a while, with Jade occasionally leaning over and pointing things out for further discussion. John knew he wasn't the type of person who didn't have romantic feelings, and he knew he wasn't the type of person who (wow this was kind of awkward to read right next to Jade) uh, touched himself. Like that.

Still, with every further thing he read—every study, every interview, every new page his ecto-sister pointed him towards eagerly—things seemed to make a little more sense. There were many things that didn't fit him, but everything seemed to point to the idea that there were multiple definitions, and at least one, he knew, was the way to describe himself.

It was this thought that kept him searching in earnest, anxious for the relief he knew he would feel.

\--

GC: WH4TS UP CR4BBY MCDOUCH3P4NTS?  


  
CG: CLEVER.  
CG: DID YOU COME UP WITH THAT ALL ON YOUR OWN?  
  
GC: WH4T C4N 1 S4Y, 1 W4S INSP1R3D  
GC: >;]  
  
CG: WHATEVER.  
CG: I TAKE SOLACE IN THE FACT THAT THE QUALITY OF YOUR ALREADY SHITTY NICKNAMES HAS BEEN STEADILY DECREASING EVER SINCE YOU STARTED DATING THAT INSUFFERABLE PRICK.  
CG: THE ONLY CONCLUSION THAT CAN BE DRAWN IS THAT HIS BODILY FLUID DRASTICALLY REDUCES INTELLIGENCE UPON CONTACT.  
CG: ACTUALLY NO NEVERMIND THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, I'M SORRY I'VE LOST YOU TRAGICALLY TO THE MINDLESS ABYSS THAT IS DAVE STRIDER'S COMPANY.  
CG: YOU'LL BE MISSED.  
  
GC: YOUR3 UPS3T 4R3NT YOU  
  
CG: NO SHIT.  
CG: CONGRATLATIONS MR. HOLMES! YOU'VE DONE IT AGAIN.  
CG: YOU'RE SUCH AN INVALUABLE ADDITION TO THE POLICE FORCE.  
  
GC: WHOS MR. HOLM3S?  
GC: >:?  
  
CG: SOME GUY FROM SOME SHOW SOME JACKASS MADE ME WATCH.  
CG: NEVER MIND.  
  
\-- CG is typing… --

"So," Terezi said, leaning on the back of Karkat's chair as he jumped with a yell. She casually avoided the claws he flailed in her direction and leaned down again. "What's wrong?"

He turned briefly to the conversation they'd just been having on-screen, and then back to her. "Were you planning on warning me you were coming?"

"Well, I didn't want to interrupt your raging tirade." She grined toothily. Karkat only scoffed, turning back to his computer. "Are you going to answer me, Mr. McTallPants?"

"It was McDouchePants a minute ago," he corrected with less venom than was intended.

The smile Terezi offered next was almost sympathetic, and she patted his shoulder a little too hard before pulling up a chair next to him. "Right, Mr. McDouchePants. Can I just call you Crabby?" Snickering at her own joke, she ignored the roll of his eyes and continued. "You're more crabby than usual, Crabby. Need to have a feelings jam?"

"I don't need any fucking jam, I like my emotional toast plain and bitter." Karkat was staring adamantly at his monitor, but his arms were crossed, hands not touching the keyboard.

"Not even with marmalade?"

"… What."

"It's bitter!" Terezi insisted brightly.

"It's still fucking jam. And I am eating my toast by myself, fuck you very much. I refuse any and all suggestions." Slouching in his chair, Karkat pushed his feet up on the desk, and Terezi's smile persisted. She rested her chin on the cane her hands were folded over, balancing her weight over the tip as she leaned forward.

"I have ways," the libra started slowly, dramatically, and Karkat looked over at her with weary dread, "of making you talk."

\--

"How did you find out about this anyway?" John looked up at the girl next to him, who had reached a hand over and taken control of the computer in his lap.

"Oh, you know," she shrugged. "Shenanigans."

He saw the hint of a smile on her face and knew she would explain if he insisted. "Jaaaade."

With a giggle, she gave in. "Okay, okay. I used to spend a lot of time on wikipedia, alright? Even before Grandpa died, he wasn't really around much, soooo…" she shrugged. "I kinda had to learn stuff on my own."

"So you found this just wiki surfing?" He leaned back in his bean bag chair, giving her more room to click around.

"Ooh, this is cool…" After taking the time to click a link and scan its contents, Jade continued her train of thought. "Well, no, not exactly. I saw people arguing about orientation and stuff on some forum a couple years before the game, so I looked up the terms. No one mentioned ace stuff, but I found it eventually."

"Speaking of 'ace'…" John stopped her, pointing to something on one of the pages. "Scroll up?"

She did as he asked, finding the information that had caught his attention. "You mean this?" Prompted by his nod, she continued. "Yeah, apparently the ace of spades is one of the symbols. I mean there's also the triangle one, and the flag…" A chuckle intteruped Jade, and she turned to her friend.

"Sorry, just…" John shook his head. "It's kind of funny, you know? I mean… you remember that shirt I used to wear? Before I got us the slime shirts?" Slowly she smileed too, and the two of them were oddly quiet for a moment.

"… Are you doing okay?" Jade asked after what felt like a long pause.

John hesitated a moment before answering. "… Yeah. Yeah, I'm actually awesome."


	4. Chapter 4

Evidently Terezi's first interrogation method had been staring unnervingly at Karkat for a full minute and a half.

He did his best to ignore her.

They both knew she had other ways of getting to people, but she must have been feeling impatient because her next technique was considerably more straight-forward.

"Okay fine I'll just guess. Is it Dave?"

"Is what Dave." Karkat still had his feet up on the desk and had taken to tipping his chair back on two legs.

"Because I thought you said you were fine with us and we don't want you being pissy all over again." She was grinning again. Karkat rolled his eyes vehemently.

"Just because I'm not predictably full of rage about your asinine relationship does not in any way mean I will ever not be pissed off by Strider's mere presence." There was a pause after his huff before he murmured, "But no, for fucking once, it's not him."

Perking up at his show of more genuine emotion, Terezi watched him expectantly. It took Karkat a moment to realize she was staring at him again.

"I'm not just going to tell you what's wrong, Terezi, don't even—"

"Is it John?"

"I've been trying to get in touch with him all day!" Karkat snapped, apparently forgetting his reluctance upon being properly prompted. "He keeps fucking ignoring me, I don't know what the fuck I did wrong. It was the same yesterday, he said maybe two words to me." He tipped his head back to fall on the back of his chair, tired and frustrated. The action nearly caused him to lose balance, and finally he dropped his chair back down to rest on all four legs to continue his sulking.

Shrugging, Terezi gave the only answer she could really think of. "Maybe he's frustrated."

"With what, though, what did I do?" He glanced up briefly just to see if he could spot any recent blue text below his wall of grey, scoffing when there wasn't any.

"How about… what you didn't do." She allowed him a moment to process this. When Karkat looked over at her with frustrated confusion, she cackled quietly before continuing. "Well if it's what I think it is, I'm not sure why he's being quiet instead of getting more vocal, but…" she shrugged. "Then, Dave made it pretty easy to figure out what he wanted, and I think John's a bit less straight-forward. I don't know him that well, who am I to say?"

The cancer watched her suspiciously. "What do you mean?" He finally ventured, slowly, not entirely sure that he even wanted to know.

Twisting her face into mockingly pensive features, Terezi tapped her chin with a finger. "How to phrase this… I think he's frustrated that the relationship isn't…" Here she dropped the expression, letting it fall back to her usual devious grin. "Going where he wants it to?"

Comprehension slowly found its way to Karkat's face, and then mild shock. "Wait are you… are you saying he wants me to pail him? Is that where you're going with this overly dramatic tangent?" Her grin only widened and she said nothing else, confirming his suspicions.

Karkat's mouth opened, and even as he took in a breath to speak he seemed to realize he wasn't sure what to say. He closed it again. The process repeated for several too-long moments before he finally found a rather eloquent summary of his thoughts:

"Well fuck."


	5. Chapter 5

CG: WHERE THE FUCK IS THAT PATHETIC PALE ASSFACE YOU CALL AN ECTO-SIBLING  
CG: I NEED TO TALK TO HIM. 

Jade and John both started at the sudden ping of the message. Exchanging looks with the boy next to her, Jade took the computer into her own lap and responded.

GG: uh… why don't you pester him?   
CG: HE HASN'T BEEN ANSWERING ALL FUCKING DAY. DO YOU THINK I WOULD VOLUNTARILY GO THROUGH YOU? 

"Oh no…" John murmured, taking a moment to dig his PDA out of his pocket. He winced. "Uh… I didn't see those there… shit."

GG: oh pfffft, looks like he was just being a dork and forgot to check his messages  
GG: hes messaging you now, dont panic :p    
CG: I'M NOT PANICKING.    
GG: it was a joke dummy!! jeez.   
CG: I KNEW THAT.   
CG: DON'T THINK I DIDN'T.   
CG: IDIOT.    
GG: oooookay, whatever you say  
GG: just give him a minute to read through everything, okay?    
CG: YEAH OKAY. 

\--

Despite his assurances, Karkat Vantas was, in fact, panicking a little.

Jade said the boy had just forgotten to check his messages. That was technically plausible, but if either of them had been lying, Terezi was probably right. She was the one with experience, after all.

So what if that was the case, and Karkat hadn't gone far enough with him? Okay, yeah, he had expected to be able to tell if he wanted that, but Egbert was hard to understand sometimes. Karkat probably just hadn't picked up on the signals.

So what then? Just bringing it up in conversation obviously wouldn't work… there would have to be a better way to initiate this.

And, fuck, what happened after that? Karkat tapped at the edges of his computer impatiently, waiting for a response. How long did it take to read a few messages?

Terezi had long since left him to his thoughts, and no one else had shown up, so there was no one to hear the cancer's whining groan of frustration as he let his head drop heavily onto his desk.

There were too many things to consider. Even after he figured out if this was what John really wanted, even after finding a way to bring it up, how did humans even function? What if they had a completely different way of going about things—no, it couldn't be too different, or Terezi would have told him. Still, they couldn't possibly be exactly the same, not with all the other differences; what if they had tentacles for genetalia or something?

And even barring all of that… what if he wasn't good enough? Letting out a heavy sigh, Karkat raised his head just enough to see his computer. No response. He'd started to put it down again when a ping startled him back upright, and he swore as his hand hit the bottom of his desk but went to typing anyway.

EB: oh man i'm so sorry about that!   
EB: i was  
EB: distracted   
CG: OH WERE YOU NOW.   
CG: FUCK, YOU MADE ME HIT MY HAND, IT BROKE THE SKIN.    
EB: um, sorry? 

Karkat didn't respond for a while, watching the scraped skin cautiously as his hand rested on the keyboard. No blood yet.

He'd finally assured himself that it would not, in fact, start bleeding, when another message came up.

EB: … how did i make you hit your hand exactly?    
CG: I GUESS IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT, YOUR MESSAGE STARTLED ME.   
CG: NEVER MIND.   
CG: MY OWN MINDLESS CLUMSINESS ASIDE, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.    
EB: haha, i figured! man you really piled those messages up, didn't you   
CG: THANK YOU FOR FINALLY OBSERVING THIS FACT.    
EB: you should get a medal or something! this has got to be some kind of record   
CG: YES, LET'S MAKE LIGHT OF MY DESPERATION, THIS IS HILARIOUS.   
CG: HAHAHA   
EB: jeez, sorry…   
EB: um, okay, what's up?    
CG: ARE YOU WITH HARLEY STILL?    
EB: yeah! she's right next to me.   
EB: we were looking up  
EB: stuff  
EB: about cicadas  
EB: and stuff   
CG: THAT'S FASCINATING. CAN YOU POLITELY TELL HER TO FUCK OFF, BECAUSE I NEED TO TALK TO YOU PRIVATELY.   
EB: okay i can tell her to fuck off or i can be polite, you can't do both at once  
EB: we talked about this!   
CG: OKAY FUCK, FINE.   
CG: HOLD ON. 

Grumbling, the troll looked through his contact list until he found who he was looking for.

CG: HARLEY.    
GG: you dont need me to send another message to john, do you…   
GG: i can see you talking to him!!  
GG: i aint nobodys fool!!    
GG: BI    
CG: YEAH THAT'S GREAT, BUT ACTUALLY YOU ARE THE LUCKY RECIPIENT OF THIS MESSAGE.   
CG: IT'S YOU.    
GG: oh goodie! :P    
CG: SHUT UP. AND PLEASE FUCK OFF.    
GG: … karkat we talked about this.    
CG: FUCK, FINE, "PLEASE GO AWAY."   
GG: ok it is totally not better if you put it in quotes mister!!  
GG: but thats not the point  
GG: this is my room and i am not going anywhere  
GG: ask john to move if you want to have a private conversation   
GG: ;)    
CG: DON'T YOU FUCKING WINK AT ME.    
GG: ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;) ;)    
CG: FUCK I GUESS I SHOULD HAVE SEEN THAT COMING.    
GG: hehe!    
CG: OKAY FINE I'LL ASK HIM TO MOVE.   
CG: HAVE FUN WITH YOUR STUPID CICADA RESEARCH.    
GG: wait what? 

-

CG: OKAY I'M BACK.   
EB: siiiiiiiigh  
CG: OH WHAT.   
EB: i told you to be polite!   
CG: YOU SAID NO SUCH THING.   
CG: ALSO I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.   
EB: jade's right here, stupid  
EB: she is currently complaining about how you are a complete jackass and SO RUDE!!! wow  
EB: that was a direct quote   
CG: THANK YOU FOR THE CLARIFICATION.   
EB: no problem!  
 EB: okay anyway i'm going to go back to my room since you are apparently so distressed you're forgetting your manners  
EB: oh wait  
EB: hehe that's all the time never mind  
CG: YOU ARE SO CLEVER, JOHN EGBERT, I NEVER KNEW HUMOR BEFORE I MET YOU.   
EB: haha i know i'm hilarious, but thank you for reminding me   
CG: GET THE FUCK BACK TO YOUR BLOCK YOU LITTLE SHITSTAIN.   
EB: okay i will be there soon!  
EB: (also i love you too)  
EB: (since i know that's what you meant)   
EB: (:) )   
EB: (wait that looks stupid)   
CG: YEAH YEAH WHATEVER.   
CG: HURRY UP.   
EB: <3  
CG: <3


	6. Chapter 6

And so Karkat waited.

It was almost fifteen minutes before John contacted him again, and by this point the troll had started walking. He knew he should talk about this in person, but when the blue text popped up on the laptop he was still carrying, it was so much easier just to sit instead.

EB: sorry about that! i'm back   
CG: IT'S FINE.    
EB: so what did you want to talk about?  
EB: you didn't say anything in your messages, so…    
CG: OH THOSE.  
CG: NO I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT.  
CG: I WAS JUST SENDING MESSAGES LIKE A JACKASS.    
EB: uh… okay?  
EB: but you seemed pretty worked up earlier!  
EB: are you sure everything's ok? 

Sitting back at his own desk, John waited for a response. Karkat almost always seemed worked up about something, but this time he had the feeling something was actually wrong. Especially since he was taking quite a while to write back.

That, and the longer they talked about what was on Karkat's mind, the longer John could avoid trying to explain why he wasn't interested in sex. He knawed on his lip. There was a good chance he wouldn't explain this well and his boyfriend—okay, maybe not boyfriend, _partner_ , let's keep it simple—would be hurt. He reasoned to himself that he was mostly stalling because if he had more time to think about what he wanted to say, he'd have a better chance of not messing it up.

CG: OKAY I MEANT THAT IN THE PAST TENSE.  
CG: I DIDN'T, AT THE TIME, HAVE ANYTHING IN PARTICULAR I WANTED TO TALK ABOUT.  
CG: I GUESS I DO NOW.    
EB: yeah? what's up? 

Another long pause.

Karkat's hands were resting on the keyboard as he tried to figure out a way to voice his thoughts.

He should just go see him. It would be easier that way, right?

EB: you still there? 

The troll let out a heavy breath.

CG: YEAH. 

No, it would not be easier in person. He would have to deal with the look on John's face, the uncertainty, the uneasy laugh, all of the things that would make this worse.

CG: I WAS JUST THINKING… 

It would still be better to do in person.

CG: YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK I SHOULD GO TALK TO YOU.    
EB: haha you are talking to me!    
CG: NO I MEAN  
CG: IN PERSON  
CG: AS IN NOT JUST TYPING AT EACH OTHER AND ENDING IN A VICIOUS CYCLE OF FONT-INDUCED HYSTERIA AND MISUNDERSTANDINGS BECAUSE WE'RE FUCKING AWFUL AT COMMUNICATING.    
EB: you know we're not much better at talking in person    
CG: OKAY, YEAH, BUT  
CG: LOOK I'D RATHER JUST TALK TO YOU IN PERSON ABOUT THIS OK?    
EB: that's fine!  
EB: i can meet you at my transportalizer

Karkat made a quiet choking noise.

CG: OH  
CG: UH  
CG: YEAH I DIDN'T MEAN RIGHT NOW.  
CG: NOW'S A BAD TIME.    
EB: … ok?  
EB: man are you sure you're ok? you're acting really weird!   
CG: I'M FINE.  
CG: OH HEY YOU LOOK BORED WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ABOUT THOSE THINGS YOU WERE RESEARCHING.    
EB: uh what   
CG: YOU KNOW THE  
CG: THINGS   
EB: um   
CG: THEY STARTED WITH A C FUCK IF I KNOW.    
EB: oh cicadas! right. those things. haha.    
CG: YEAH SO.  
CG: THEY WERE INTERESTING ENOUGH TO KEEP YOU FROM RESPONDING TO MY MESSAGES FOR TWO HOURS.  
CG: ENLIGHTEN ME.    
EB: oh man wow  
EB: where do i start  
EB: well uh  
EB: they're… bugs…  
EB: and…  
EB: they're obnoxious   
CG: …  
CG: YOU WEREN'T LOOKING UP CICADAS WERE YOU.    
EB: of course i was! what are you saying! 

Panicked, John opened his browser. A quick search yielded a number of sources, and he latched on to the first fact he could.

EB: they emerge in late july and august!    
CG: GOOD TO KNOW THAT SEARCH ENGINE'S WORKING FOR YOU.  
CG: NOW WHAT WERE YOU ACTUALLY LOOKING UP WITH HARLEY.    
EB: um  
EB: nothing?    
CG: OH GOD WERE YOU LOOKING UP TROLL PORN BECAUSE YOU WERE CURIOUS.  
CG: OH GOD.    
EB: what no!!  
EB: … wait why? it is like super gross or something?    
CG: NO IT'S BORING AND NOT INTERESTING AT ALL.  
CG: SO I'M TOLD.  
CG: NOT THAT IT MATTERS.  
CG: OK FUCK WE NEED TO FIND A NEW TOPIC AGAIN.    
EB: the awkwardness was totally your fault this time.    
CG: SHUT YOUR PASTY FACE. YOU CONTRIBUTED.    
EB: hehe actually the awkwardness is usually your fault.    
CG: YOU ARE ABOUT TO REMINISCE AND I DON'T WANT TO READ A SINGLE WORD OF IT.    
EB: you remember that one time whe  
EB: oh come on!    
CG: NOPE.    
EB: it was funny!    
CG: I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE REFERRING TO BUT I SERIOUSLY DOUBT I WOULD FIND IT FUNNY.    
EB: hehehe 

John found himself at ease again, grinning at his screen. Even when things got weird they always found a way to work it out.

He hesitated at this thought. Finally he started to type again.

EB: hey karkat?    
CG: WHAT?    
EB: when you do come over, after you talk to me about whatever it is that's bugging you    
CG: …  
CG: ARE YOU GOING TO FINISH THAT SENTENCE ANYTIME SOON.    
EB: sorry!  
EB: uh  
EB: just, i've got something to talk about too    
CG: YEAH? WHAT IS IT?    
EB: you know that thing where you didn't want to talk about your thing?  
EB: i don't really want to talk about my thing either.  
EB: so i'm just going to wait until you're over here because i think i might want to talk about it then 

The ease Karkat had felt a moment before quickly melted. Were they… talking about the same thing? What if he _had_ been looking up troll porn, as some kind of fucked up research? Maybe human pornography reflected human sexual rituals accurately, but everyone knew the troll equivalent was unrealistic: that would be a terrible first impression to get.

Not to mention John's standards would be too high if that's what he thought it was like.

Pulling at his face, Karkat tried to force himself to breathe. If they were both talking about the same thing, that was for the better. John wouldn't look at him funny, he would be relieved, and they would both be on the same page, and it would be okay. They could talk it out from there. He put his hands back on the keys.

CG: OKAY THAT'S FAIR.  
CG: SO  
CG: DO YOU ALSO NOT WANT TO TALK RIGHT NOW?  
CG: OR CAN I COME OVER?  
CG: BECAUSE I CHANGED MY MIND.    
EB: yeah! you can totally come over  
EB: we can just watch a movie or play some video games or something if you chicken out, hehe    
CG: THERE WILL BE NO CLUCKBEAST INVOLVED.  
CG: BUT  
CG: THANKS    
EB: yeah no problem!  
EB: i'll meet you by the wind temple entrance    
CG: PLEASE STOP REFERRING TO YOUR TRANSPORTALIZER LIKE THAT  
CG: IT GIVES ME A HEADACHE.    
EB: karkat, everything gives you a headache  
EB: and that is totally an awesome name, no way i am giving it up!!    
CG: UGH.  
CG: FINE I'LL SEE YOU IN A BIT.    
EB: yep! 


	7. Chapter 7

It didn't take John very long to find his way to his transportalizer. It did take Karkat, however, a very long time to meet him there.

It had been a nerve-wracking walk for the troll; still trying to talk himself into his decision, every once in a while stopping altogether, seconds from turning around and messaging the boy to tell him he couldn't meet him after all. In the end, though, logic had won out (I need to do this, John's only getting frustrated with me, he might just decide he doesn't want to bother if I keep holding out on him), and he trekked on.

When he finally made it to John's transportalizer, the sight of the human almost overrode all his carefully constructed logic traps and all the mental preparation. He probably would have turned to run, but John had noticed him and beamed, hurrying over to trap him in a cruelly planned embrace. His evil cunning knew no bounds.

"Karkat! Jeez, it's been days, it feels like _forever_!" John pulled away, still grinning, holding him by the shoulders. (What had that meant? Was that just straightforward, or did it mean he's been waiting for me? Shit he's probably feeling impatient.)

"Two days are not the end of the world, idiot," Karkat snapped, a little less harshly than he'd intended. Suddenly he realized the implications (wait he probably thinks that means I don't want to see him) and added with a grumble and a shrug, "I guess it felt like longer though."

John only laughed. "Yeah I bet it did! You only sent me like a million messages."

Sneering, Karkat crossed his arms as they started to walk. "I can't believe you were honestly doing some bullshit research with Jade for almost two fucking days."

"Oh…" a sheepish grin. "Uh, well, it was only a few hours. I just got caught up in other stuff yesterday and forgot to check my messages." John bit his lip, raising his eyebrows in a hopeful expression he probably thought made him look charming and forgivable and cute. And the stupid fucker was right. "Sorry?"

Karkat only rolled his eyes. "Fine, whatever." The two of them stepped onto the transportalizer, appearing in the main hallway of John's section of the asteroid. They started walking, John easing Karkat's hand out of his crossed arms before intertwining their fingers. The troll steeled his nerves, finally asking a question that he suspected would lead to the topic at hand."So are you actually going to tell me what you two were 'researching'?"

The effect was immediate. John's mouth changed shape, the way it only did when he was chewing on his tongue; he started fidgeting with his hands, stroking Karkat's hand absent-mindedly with his thumb; his eyes were locked onto the wall as they walked, and he still tried to sound casual when he spoke. As if it would make a difference. "Oh, just some, you know, stuff."

Karkat raised an eyebrow. "Stuff."

"Yeah! Stuff." John had glanced over at him, as if trying to insist the validity of his statement, but soon enough he looked away again. At least this time he was just looking forward. "It um…" a pause. Renewed vigor of his fidgety hand-holding. "It kind of has to do with what I wanted to talk about, a bit, but it's not super important. I'll tell you later."

The incredulous stare Karkat had focused on him seemed to have absolutely no effect: John was still resolutely looking away, and he apparently didn't find the silence unusual in the slightest. Finally he tried a more direct tactic. "Why not now?" he tried, a little impatiently.

"Um, well," shrugging, John flashed him an awkward smile. "You had something you wanted to talk about too, right? And I think yours is way more important, and you also brought it up first."

"Right." Karkat had intended the word to be annoyed, but it came out sounding more anxious. He had to do this, he knew, but all his reasoning was crumbling at even this simple contact, and it was increasingly difficult to convince himself. There was another short silence as they walked.

John turned his head towards him, finally looking him in the eye again. "Did you want to tell me your thing?"

"Oh." No. Not really. Can we avoid this conversation? "In a bit." John was more than willing to let him be, giving him a reassuring, "alrighty then," and squeezing his hand. The topic was dropped.

Karkat didn't, however, stop thinking about it. It was so easy, now, to remember all the reasons he didn't want to do this; John was warm next to him and pleasantly silent (a skill he'd tediously learned after years of training), but just his presence was anxiety-inducing. What if this really wasn't what he wanted, Karkat was just going to fuck it up—let's be honest here, he would fuck it up regardless—and what if John didn't like the way he looked, or the way he did things, what if he hurt him…

In this state, Karkat was blissfully ignorant of the quiet humming that had started up next to him, and he continued to overthink every possibility. It wasn't long before he'd started considering all the minute details—all of the ways he would fuck every little thing up—and as the scene played on in his head, he only got more anxious.  
 What if he touched him wrong, kissed him wrong, undressed him wrong, what if—he realized a little too late that he'd tensed up, and he didn't realize until after John stopped humming and gave him a worried look that he wasn't breathing normally.

"—wrong? Karkat, talk to me, come on, you're freaking me out here, man." They had stopped, Karkat realized after a moment, and his matesprit's (his "boyfriend's"? His partner's?) hands were under his jaw. One moved to his chest, and whether it was the intended effect or not, Karkat remembered to be conscious of his breathing and tried to focus on slowing it.

It took him a longer moment for him to remember what had caused that reaction.

"Are you going to be okay?" John was looking at him, concerned, and Karkat was only able to nod silently. He was sure he'd be okay: that wouldn't happen again. It had just been some weird fluke, some kind of glitch in his mind that triggered anxiety, it happened sometimes. It couldn't actually be connected to anything, the only times it happened didn't have anything in common with something that might induce that kind of reaction.

This time wasn't any different.

Why would he be afraid of… being that intimate? He trusted John, he wanted this, and so there shouldn't be any reason for him to panic. There _wasn't_ any reason, it was just a glitch, Karkat wasn't afraid of this, it was fine.

John still looked worried, so when the troll found his voice he tried to reassure him. "I'll be fine," he managed, trying to convince both of them, and he took John's hand a little too roughly as he started walking again.

"What happened?" The boy hadn't resisted and was walking next to him, but apparently he decided they weren't done talking about this.

"Nothing. That just happens sometimes." Judging by the look on John's face, this was the wrong thing to say.

"That didn't look like a 'just happens' kind of thing, that looked like a 'there's a serious problem' kind of thing."

"Well it's not," Karkat snapped, not looking at him. "Just drop it."

John opened his mouth again but slowly closed it. Instead of speaking again he just squeezed Karkat's hand.

They walked in silence for far too long before John changed the subject, and they talked about nothing at all, really, and it was fine.

Karkat tried not to think any more.

If John wanted this, they would find a way to bring it up, it would just have to happen naturally, and the troll could worry about it then.

It would be fine.

He almost let himself relax by the time they got to their destination: the room the human had put the most attention into, adding couches, a bed, a jerry-rigged but extensive entertainment center, a dresser, a shelf for all his movies and games, a computer. It was easy to be here. It was comfortable, it was relaxed, they didn't feel out of place here, and Karkat should have only let out a heavy sigh of relief and let himself sprawl out on a couch. Instead he tensed up again.

It wasn't like before; he was still breathing properly, he wasn't panicking, he was just… anxious. Anxious was okay. Anxious was normal. He wouldn't be anxious next time, they just had to get through this the first time and then it would be fine.

Everything would be fine.


	8. Chapter 8

John had let go of his hand, had hurried to a couch, the comfortable one, laughing, had told him he'd beaten him to it. Karkat tried to roll his eyes and it was awkward, he knew John could tell, but he didn't say anything about it.

He sat on the couch. 

It would be fine. 

Don't think about it. 

 _Don't._

"Do you want to watch something?" Karkat knew his voice sounded wrong, but John didn't seem to notice; he only nodded, standing to go through his collection. 

"What are you in the mood for?" (Oh god was that innuendo) John asked, his fingers playing over each of the titles as he searched. 

Karkat just shrugged. "I don't know. Something mindless." The boy laughed quietly, like the troll had just made a quick reference to an inside joke—how could he always laugh so easily?—and grabbed for something. 

"Here we go," he said, speaking easily, so relaxed, so confident, if only that would rub off on Karkat maybe this wouldn't be so   
 _hard,_ and he put the movie on. 

He sat back on the couch. 

Karkat tried not to think. 

Probably five minutes into the movie, John leaned against him. 

Don't think about it. 

Moments later, he had grabbed Karkat's hand, lacing their fingers. 

Don't panic. 

Karkat lost track of how much time had passed before John shifted to kiss his cheek. 

 _Just do it,_ you jackass. 

Taking the opening and his own advice, Karkat turned his head, kissing the boy before he could set his head back on his shoulder. He had the audacity to  _giggle,_ but didn't pull away; he leaned in, happily returning the kiss, and Karkat was sure it would be okay. 

He made the mistake of thinking again. 

He thought through everything before he moved to do it: it had to be perfect, mentally rehearsed, or he'd ruin it somehow. Before he tried to turn John to lie back on the arm of the couch, he thought about it, trying to figure out where to put his hands to encourage the shift, and it was awkward anyway. John didn't get it right away, and then made a noise of confusion when he did, twisting jerkily to get to where Karkat wanted him, but that was okay. 

It wasn't perfect, but the next move would be. 

He told himself to put his hands on John's chest, and followed through with success. 

He told himself to deepen the kiss and did so with only a little confusion on John's part. 

He told himself to put his hands up the boy's shirt—wait, wait, then what, this has to be smooth and seamless, he couldn't just sit there with his hand up his shirt like a dumbass while he thought—so what then; the shirt had to come off eventually, he could probably do that more smoothly if he did that a certain way… 

And after that he would start figuring out John's pants, and he would have to get undressed himself at some point, and then they would… 

Which would… lead to… 

Oh god. 

The troll felt panic rising again, hot and sudden and tight in his chest, and like a 16-wheeled large delivery vehicle transporting three metric tons of Fuck you Karkat Vantas, he was hit with the memory of the first time he felt this, five sweeps old and just discovering first-hand that the color of his genetic material matched his blood. 

"Karkat?" John looked concerned, to put it lightly, and Karkat couldn't be this close to him anymore. 

"I'm sorry," he told him, trying to keep his voice from shaking, failing, "I can't. I can't, I can't, fuck, John, I'm sorry, I can't." He was pushing away from him, he couldn't be this close, he couldn't do this, it was stupid that he was panicking but he could hardly rationalize his fear right now. 

"Karkat," John repeated, more firmly, and his hands were on his shoulders, but that was okay— "Calm down, okay? Just talk to me. What can't you do?" 

John was worried, he was scared, and it only made Karkat feel worse, but somehow, minutes later, he was calmer. That anxiety was still right there, the side of a cliff he'd just fallen into and barely managed to crawl up from. 

Karkat's breath was slowing, he'd stopped shaking, he was thinking more sane thoughts and he remembered the stupid movie playing in the background. 

John was talking to him again. 

"What can't you do?" he repeated, hoping to get an answer this time. 

It was a long few seconds before Karkat answered him. He was quiet when he did, as if it would help make it easier, or keep John from being angry. 

"I can't… do this. With you." 

The look on John's face was awful, and for a moment Karkat felt immeasurably worse before the boy spoke. 

"You can't kiss me?" 

"What? No." Karkat scrubbed his fingers over his forehead. "Is that honestly all you thought we were doing? Fuck, you're so clueless." 

There was a long pause and then a quiet, "Oh." John looked uneasy. Why did he look uneasy. 

"What's with the face." It was a demand, not a question, and although Karkat's tone was flat he was starting to worry again. 

"Oh, um." There was a long pause. John took a breath. He let it out. He took another one, and grabbed for the remote to turn the TV off. 

Karkat watched in silence. 

"… You know that thing Jade and I were researching?" 

"No, I don't, because you didn't tell me," he reasoned, trying not to look interested. "What does that have to do with anything?" 

There was another pause. "Um… okay look I don't know how to explain this, I'm just going to show you, okay?" John stood then, crossing over to his computer and starting to type. Warily, Karkat followed him, listening as he continued to speak. "Dave was talking to me about how we hadn't… you know, done anything, and he made this huge deal out of it and I didn't get it. I went to talk to Jade…" he clicked on an article, and the troll cocked his head slightly as he tried to discern its contents. "She showed me this. We looked up a lot of other stuff, but… you know, this will give you the gist." He hesitated, then, and Karkat had to push at his shoulder to get him to move out of the way. 

Some of the terms were unfamiliar, but not so much so that Karkat couldn't understand them. Against his will, he felt his heart sink. "Am I not good enough?" 

He hardly realized he'd said it aloud, and John's response surprised him. "What, no! No, it's not like that. It's not your fault, or anything, Karkat, come on." He sighed deeply, trying to find a way to explain himself. "When I read that article I didn't go 'oh this explains my relationship with Karkat,' I went, 'oh, this explains my whole life past puberty.' I've _always_  felt like this, I've never actually wanted to be with someone like that. It's not you, okay?" 

Karkat reread the paragraph. It made sense. It made perfect sense, of course it did, but it was so easy to think it was somehow all his fault John didn't want him. 

Another heavy breath above him shook him from his thoughts. "I'm sorry. I didn't want to disappoint you, or anything, and I hope I didn't, but um…" John rubbed the back of his neck as Karkat turned to him. "You seemed really upset, and I didn't want you to think you had to do that if you didn't want to." 

Oh right. 

Karkat blinked, looking back at the screen. Why was he upset about this? Apparently he was fucked up enough that he panicked at the thought of sex, and that wasn't a problem if John didn't even want it. 

Hell, a lot of things weren't a problem now. He didn't have to worry if he looked attractive enough, if he were too clumsy, if he hurt him… 

"I." He managed, and after a moment he cleared his throat and tried again. "Yeah." 

John gave him a look somewhere between confused and hopeful. "… Yeah what?" 

"… Yeah. It's fine." 

"Just 'fine'?" The boy sounded apprehensive. Karkat took a deep, shuddering breath and realized he hadn't been breathing properly for at least twenty minutes. 

"It's actually… really fine." John looked a little relived at that, and the troll stood, wrapping his arms around him and burying his face in the boy's shoulder. 

He breathed deeply again when John slid his arms around his shoulders. 

"… Let's never try this again." 

John just laughed, holding him tighter, and Karkat knew that they would be okay. They would both just be… really okay. With themselves, with each other, with the fact that they didn't need anything else. 

This was all he wanted. 

This was all John wanted. 

Karkat hardly registered it when John asked if he still wanted to watch a movie. He just nodded, oddly calm, and followed him to the couch. 

The second time around he still wasn't paying attention to the screen, but it wasn't for anxiety. John's warmth and weight was a pleasant distraction now, and Karkat hardly cared when he fell asleep with a smile on his face. 


	9. Royal Flush, Aces High

"How'd your date go?" With his cheek resting on his hand, Dave idly watched his friend shuffle the cards.

"My date?" John gave him a confused look, bridging them one more time before dealing.

"You know." Dave took the hand given him and glanced at him from over his cards. "Your date with Karkat."

Laughing, John picked up his own cards. "I wouldn't have called that a date. We just sort of…" he paused. "Hung out and talked and stuff." And figured out their relationship difficulties, and realized things about themselves, but Dave didn't need to know that just yet. "How did you know he came over?"

Dave shrugged, gestured for another card. "Terezi mentioned he was flipping his shit a little bit because you were ignoring him—" (John winced, feeling guilty) "—and she told him to go talk to you." A pause. John was about ninety percent sure Dave was trying to give him a pointed stare without taking off his glasses. "And stuff."

The heir did his best to remain unperturbed. "Oh," he said, casually, and shifted some of his chips into the center of the table."Well yeah, he was a bit freaked out for a bit there, but we talked things out. Everything's fine." He grinned, reassuringly. That was why Dave had brought this up, right? He'd been concerned… about… Karkat? Sure okay.

There was another pause, and Dave kept his shaded eyes on John as he pushed a small pile of chips forward, raising the bet. It was overly dramatic and he was trying too hard, but somehow it managed to be a tad intimidating anyway. John swallowed.

"I told you I expected to be the first to know when this happened."

It took John a bit to process this. When he did, he still wasn't entirely sure what Dave was referring to. "… Uh. What?"

"You know what I mean." He nodded toward the deck in the corner, encouraging him to pick up the game. When John dealt two more cards but still watched him, confused, Dave gave in and explained. "Come on, man. Becoming a man? Horizonal tango, filling buckets, getting it on, riding the pleasure train, do I have to start making these up?"

Face burning, John made a dismissing motion with his free hand, keeping his cards hidden from Dave. "I get it! I get it! Jeez!" He ran a hand through his hair. His friend hadn't taken it well the last time he tried to explain, and that was before he really understood, himself. But at this point, there really wasn't much point in lying.

Dave had started to count through his chips again before John finally spoke. "We uh… we decided not to."

Dave froze. The younger boy suspected that if he thought pulling his glasses down for dramatic effect would have been worth it, he would have done so then. John shifted a little uncomfortably under his (mostly inferred) stare, trying to stay casual by slowly increasing his bet one chip at a time.

"You're shitting me."

"Uh. No, not really."

"Is this another bullshit prankster thing?"

"No, Dave!"

"The fuck is it then?"

John groaned, and thankfully the blonde continued the game. "It's um… okay it's kind of complicated, but basically yesterday I found out I'm asexual, and Karkat found out he freaks out about that kind of thing. So we just decided not to."

This time Dave didn't stop and stare at him immediately. He finished rearranging his cards slowly, contemplatively, and then shifted, resting his forearms on the table and pushing the cards in his hand together to rest in a neat pile in his fingers. The stare came only then, his head tilted just slightly like he knew if he looked long enough he could figure out how the puzzle worked.

"Asexual," he finally said, the word sounding unsure and a little confused, although it was buried under an attempted monotone.

Well, John thought to himself, confused he could probably deal with. At least it wasn't outright weirded out.

"Yeah," he started, reaching for another card a little hesitantly, but he folded his hand also when Dave didn't try to continue the game. "Jade told me about it. It's an actual thing, there are a lot of people like," a fraction of a pause as he chose his wording—not "like that" or even "like this," they sounded detached, "you know, like me."

Dave cautiously brough his playing hand up to its proper position again, but was watching him with rapt attention. John continued.

"I think," another quick reassessment of vocabulary, "we're just wired a bit differently. I mean, a lot of asexuals are different…" Dave gestured again towards the table and John continued the game. He gave a brief summary of his research to a silent audience.

John took a deep breath and the other boy continued watching him, glancing down occasionally as he played. The boy continued.

"When you were talking about Karkat and me the other day, I didn't really get why you thought it was weird," he admitted, and Dave paused to listen more intently. "I think I get it now? Jade was thinking it's because you grew up thinking that wanting to do that with someone was normal and expected and everything, but I grew up… not thinking about it at all."

Dave finally interjected. "So you never thought about sex. Not once."

"Well, sort of," John shrugged. "I mean I had to take health classes and stuff, I learned how it all worked. But… I never wanted to do it with anyone."

"Huh." Dave wasn't looking at him anymore, staring at a corner of the table, appearing to be mulling everything over.

For at least half a minute, he didn't say a word. He did, however, continue their game, and John was just starting to get really uncomfortable before he finally sighed.

"You're fuckin' weird," he sighed in mock disappointment, dropping his hand face-up on the table with a bit of a flourish. "Four of a kind."

It had been as good as a Dave Strider Seal of Approval, and John beamed. He slapped his own cards down, victorious, and announced, "Royal flush."

Dave stared at him. Behind the blank face John could have sworn he saw something like "incredulous." Finally he looked down at his cards.

Another silence.

"John."

"Yeah?"

"You're wearing your Wise Guy suit today."

"Yes I am."

A pause. John attempted to prompt him.

"Why do you ask?"

"Egbert you are a dirty little cheat."

"What, why!" He protested, offended. "Just because I wore my lucky poker suit?"

Dave's eyebrows made that motion that they only made when he was rolling his eyes. "Yeah, 'lucky poker suit' my ass. Count your aces better next time, dork."

The knight stood and started to walk out, giving John a friendly punch on the arm. "That suit's banned, by the way," he added, leaving his friend to mumble his amused apologies.


End file.
